The problem isn’t that you lack willpower

If you just try harder, want it more, or dig deeper, you’ll get there.

That’s the narrative we’ve been sold, but your success in reaching your goals does not come down to willpower alone.

Recently, during a panel discussion on committing to healthy habits while building a business or growing your career, we explored various approaches: powering through, making it fun, and staying consistent…Then, the topic of willpower came up, and it made me think about the role it plays in our success.

For years I told myself if I only had more time, I’d work out more. Fast forward to when I quit my job and had more control of my schedule. I finally had more time… yet I was still not working out more.

It would take outside support and internal grace to help me understand what was really getting in the way of me reaching my goals—and it was much deeper than time or willpower.

Willpower is empowering in theory because it puts the control in our hands. But in reality, it’s a setup.

“If I had more discipline, I could do this.” …

“I guess I’m just not strong enough.” …

Sound familiar?

When we falter, the blame lands on us.

The problem isn’t that you lack willpower. The problem is that willpower is only one piece of the puzzle.

The problem isn’t that you lack willpower. The problem is that willpower is only one piece of the puzzle. What’s missing from this equation is everything else that truly supports success: systems, help, self-awareness, and a little bit of grace.

One of my favorite books on building habits is James Clear’s Atomic Habits. (If you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend adding it to your list!) In the book, he describes willpower as a muscle that tires with use.

Every decision we make throughout the day—what to eat, when to respond to that email, whether to doom scroll on IG—depletes our ability to say no or stay disciplined later on. So by the time evening rolls around and the chocolate chip cookies are calling (my personal favorite), your willpower reserves might already be running on empty. This isn’t a personal failure; it’s just human biology.

What Clear suggests instead is a shift in focus. Forget channeling willpower and instead look at the systems and environments you’ve created (or haven’t) to support your goals. Systems, he argues, are what truly drive progress.

Often, we set ambitious goals without addressing the beliefs or habits that might be quietly working against us.

But even the best systems can’t always compensate for deeper barriers. Here’s where self-awareness comes in. Often, we set ambitious goals without addressing the beliefs or habits that might be quietly working against us.

Maybe you want to wake up at 5 a.m. every day to write, but deep down, you believe you’re “not a morning person.” Or you’re trying to eat healthier, but food has always been a source of comfort and stress relief. Or you want to work out more—like me— but you feel conflicted about taking the time for yourself when your to-do list calls.

These aren’t things you can brute-force your way through with willpower alone. They require curiosity and reflection.

What’s really holding you back?

… Is it fear of failure?

… Shame?

… A lack of clarity about what you actually want?

… A tendency to take on too much at once?

These questions aren’t always comfortable to ask, but they’re essential.

Trying to go it alone? Community and connection are powerful motivators. In The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg highlights how social support is often the linchpin in lasting change.

Whether it’s a workout buddy, a mentor, or an online group cheering you on, knowing someone else is in your corner can make all the difference.

It’s not about being strong enough. It’s about being human enough to give yourself the tools, space, and support you need to succeed.

It’s not about being strong enough. It’s about being human enough to give yourself the tools, space, and support you need to succeed.

So the next time you feel like you’re falling short because you didn’t have the willpower to stick to your plan, take a step back.

Ask yourself: What systems can I put in place to make this easier? What barriers might be getting in my way? Who can I lean on for support? And most importantly, how can I show myself compassion in this process?

Success isn’t just about reaching the end goal. It’s about embracing the journey, allowing grace, and celebrating progress over perfection.

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About the author: Kelly (Underell) Stevens is an alignment coach and speaker dedicated to helping women leaders and entrepreneurs grow their impact and live life on their own terms by giving them the tools to choose less and show up for themselves. Learn more at www.kellystevens.co.