Finding my way back to myself
I never knew what people meant when they said they lost themselves. "How does one lose themselves, exactly?”, I wondered.
In January 2020, I found myself knowing exactly what they meant.
Somewhere among my jam-packed calendar, the pursuit of perfection, and climbing my career ladder, I lost track of who I was, where I was headed, and what I wanted. It was hard to recognize at first. People around me wore “busy” as a badge of honor, and I did my best to keep up with them. I was doing a pretty great job of it, in fact. I felt proud of the career I’d built for myself and felt grateful for the life I had.
But I started to feel tired—really freakn’ tired. And unmotivated. And anxious. And stressed.
I completely sidelined myself in my busyness and dedication to work, volunteer activities, and plans with friends and family. Coca-Cola became my breakfast and happy hour became my dinner. I wasn’t moving my body, and I wasn’t taking time to prepare good healthy food. My aching back and restless mind were keeping me up all night, every night. I knew I needed a break, but if I had any white space on my calendar I would quickly work to fill it up with more plans or to-do’s. There was such a backlog of what I wanted to accomplish that taking off time was not a possibility. Rest wasn’t in my vocabulary.
And if I’m being honest, I’d been doing this to myself since I was in high school.
My habits and how I was spending time outside of work weren’t supporting me at work, and I started to show up as the opposite of who I wanted to be as a leader and in my relationships. As it turned out, bursting into tears in the middle of meetings, losing my temper, and not being present were not traits of who I had hoped to be. All of this started to chip away at my self-confidence, and I wanted to stay in bed under the covers and hide.
“And there, front and center, was that feeling I never understood before—I felt lost.”
And there, front and center, was that feeling I never understood before—I felt lost.
When I think back to that time, I’m proud of the version of myself who recognized I needed a change. And I needed help.
I somehow mustered up the courage to quit my job, which at the time felt like I was giving up my entire 15+ year career. I was on a high-speed train of success with my work in economic and community development, but I had lost track of where the train was headed, and I needed to get off to recalibrate.
For the first time in my life, I created the space to look inward and ask myself what I truly wanted.
Over the next few years, I would enlist the help of coaches, therapists, family, friends, and personal trainers. I continued to show up and be open to their support, and I continued to show up for myself. At first, it was HARD. I didn’t like the growing pains that came with growth and facing some of the feelings and truths I’d been avoiding. But I kept showing up and doing the work, and I continue to do so today. In doing so, I’ve learned more about myself and what I need, and I’ve built a much stronger foundation for myself to stand on. Little by little my back pain subsided, my sleep got better, my next steps got more clear, and my confidence returned.
I no longer feel overwhelmed by feelings of being “lost”, even though what the future holds is unclear in many ways. Each day, I’m uncovering pieces of myself with each step forward that I take. I take time to listen to myself. I make time to spend by myself (and I’ve learned to LOVE this time). And, I trust myself.
“Instead of looking outward, look inward. You’ll find your way.”
If I could go back and talk to the version of me who felt lost, here’s what I’d say:
Instead of looking outward, look inward. You’ll find your way.
Seek out help and support and know that it can come in many different shapes and sizes and in ways you didn’t expect. If you don’t get the help you need, keep asking and trying until you get it.
Put intention into knowing yourself, and then use this new knowledge as a filter for everything you do.
Blank space on the calendar is a good thing. Embrace it.
Don’t focus on the “bad” or “unhealthy” habits. Just keep adding the good ones. The rest will work itself out.
The best investment you can make is in yourself.
Love yourself.
It’s going to be okay.