How to break free from the Loneliness Loop
Picture this—It’s July, 2022, and it’s a Saturday morning. I have no plans for the weekend. And because of this, I’m crying.
I know, I know … there are many of you reading this who would LOVE to have a weekend with no plans, but, for me, no plans make me sad. And so, there I was, crying to my introverted husband (who would love nothing more than to veg on the couch all day alone) about having no plans for the weekend and feeling lonely. Loneliness is a feeling that has become even more present in my adult life.
Loneliness is a feeling that has become even more present in my adult life.
Life is busy. As we’ve gotten older, friends have growing responsibilities—work, relationships, families, and kids, so the days of texting your best friend “Brunch?!” and then finding yourself laughing over mimosas an hour later are OVER.
Scheduling anything seems to take a minimum of three tries and infinite perseverance. Which leads to fewer plans … which leads to more time by myself with my thoughts … which leads to thoughts of feeling forgotten, left out, and … lonely.
In his time as U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, MD, declared loneliness a public health crisis, and in 2023, the World Health Organization (WHO) declared loneliness to be a pressing global health threat. In Surgeon General Murthy’s book Together (2020), he cites Cigna’s U.S. Loneliness Index, which showed that nearly half of Americans reported feeling lonely. The effect of loneliness on mortality, he says, is comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
The book goes on to say, ‘Our social connections are not just a part of our lives; they define us. They shape who we are and who we can become. They are the foundation on which we build meaningful lives.’
I know I have people in my life who love me and would drop anything to be there if I needed them. And more often than not, I have a full social calendar (sometimes too full). For that, I’m really grateful. But the thing about loneliness is that the feeling of being lonely is separate from the reality of how many relationships we have in our lives.
The truth is, we can feel lonely even when standing in a crowded room full of familiar, friendly faces.
The truth is, we can feel lonely even when standing in a crowded room full of familiar, friendly faces.
What I’ve learned is that sometimes loneliness is not about our proximity to people. It’s about feeling alone in our feelings. When we feel like we’re alone, we’re less inclined to tell anyone how we’re feeling, which makes us feel even more alone in our feelings—trapping us in an endless cycle of loneliness.
I call this the Loneliness Loop.
But I’m here to tell you … you're not alone in feeling alone.
If you’re stuck in the Loneliness Loop, know that it can be disrupted.
For me, it came down to two things: 1) Recognition and 2) Intention.
The Recognition …
I had to recognize I was feeling alone, but I wasn’t actually alone.
When I held tighter and tighter onto the feeling of loneliness, I added more pressure and allowed the feeling to build. By gathering the courage to share this feeling with my husband, my friends, my family, and my therapist, I released the pressure, and the feeling minimized.
The same is true for any negative feeling. In psychology, this is called 'Social Sharing of Emotion,' and research shows that simply engaging in sharing can help alleviate emotional intensity and support social bonding.
I also had to recognize why plans and connections are so important to me. Through reflection, I realized a few key reasons why I crave connection:
I’m an Enneagram 3 Achiever. This means I have a strong desire to earn acceptance and belonging. It’s at the core of what drives and motivates me.
I’m a twin. Growing up, I literally had someone by my side at all times—so I’m a bit out of practice when it comes to being alone.
I’m an Extrovert. I get my energy from being around other people, but now work from home by myself most of the time. I recharge through interactions with other people, and I wasn’t being intentional about getting that recharge time in. This is a core need that I wasn’t meeting.
Our understanding of self and what drives us can be a very powerful tool in overcoming negative feelings.
Our understanding of self and what drives us can be a very powerful tool in overcoming negative feelings.
The Intention …
Once I recognized this and peeled back the layers of my feelings, I also had to be intentional about how I addressed my feelings of loneliness.
Here are a few things I tried …
I invested time and energy into my existing relationships. Rather than sit at home and feel sorry for myself, I reached out, asked for support, and put time and energy into making the plans I longed for.
I decided to spend time alone. I went on walks, shopped, visited museums, and ate out by myself. I even worked my way up to going on a solo trip. Eventually, the challenge helped me become more comfortable spending time alone, and now I LOVE it—I even aim for solo time weekly. As it turns out, there’s something freeing about relying only on yourself and your own schedule for fun.
I challenged myself to join—AND CREATE —new communities. As life changes and evolves, our friendships and communities change and evolve. I was stuck wanting things to stay the same, instead of embracing the potential for new relationships and communities that could serve me in this season of life. Just as we should all aim to be lifelong learners, we can aim to be lifelong explorers. I signed up for countless events and showed up alone. That led to new friendships and connections, which filled me up and relieved the self-imposed pressure on my existing relationships. I also created community by reaching out and extending the invitation to others in my inner circle and beyond.
Last year, I watched the Netflix documentary series Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones, where they explored the lifestyles, diets, and environments of people living in “Blue Zones” (regions around the world where people live significantly longer). In the show, I noticed that social connection was a recurring theme in health and well-being across the Blue Zones of Okinawa, Japan; Sardinia, Italy; and Ikaria, Greece.
I often think of the wrinkled, wise women they featured gathering in Japan as part of a practice called 'Moai'—a lifelong circle of friends that provides social, emotional, and even financial support. I love this concept. In addition to providing mental and emotional wellbeing, these relationships also contribute to purpose and belonging. These connections don’t just make life more enjoyable —they’re literally adding years to it!
If you’re feeling lonely right now, I want you to know—you’re not alone in feeling this way, and you’re not alone.
If you’re feeling lonely right now, I want you to know—you’re not alone in feeling this way, and you’re not alone.
Since making these shifts, I’ve felt more at peace and far less lonely. You have the power to break the Loneliness Loop, too. Start small, be kind to yourself, and reach out—connection is available to you in abundance… you just have to believe it.
Remember that you don’t have to go through this alone. If you or someone you know is struggling with loneliness, distress, or thoughts of self-harm, help is available. In the U.S., you can call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or dial 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) for free, confidential support 24/7.
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About the author: Kelly (Underell) Stevens is an alignment coach and speaker dedicated to helping women leaders and entrepreneurs grow their impact and live life on their own terms by giving them the tools to choose less and show up for themselves. Learn more at www.kellystevens.co.